Joy and Crown

What is your conflict style?  It is impossible for us to live without encountering some kind of conflict. How do you handle it?  If you are a Christian, does your faith affect how you deal with it?  Or, do you set your faith aside, to get your way?

Are you an owl?  A turtle?  A fox?  A shark?

This morning's passage is Philippians 4:1-7 (NET)

1So then, my brothers and sisters, dear friends whom I long to see, my joy and crown, stand in the Lord in this way, my dear friends!

2I appeal to Euodia and to Syntyche to agree in the Lord. 3Yes, I say also to you, true companion, help them. They have struggled together in the gospel ministry along with me and Clement and my other coworkers, whose names are in the book of life.4Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say, rejoice! 5Let everyone see your gentleness. The Lord is near! 6Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God. 7And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Conflict will arise in the best of situations: in that loving marriage, in that loving family, in that loving church, in that job situation, in any relationship into which you pour yourself ("joy and crown").  In the early verses of Philippians 4, we see that conflict has arisen between two godly women of the Philippian church.  And, although we are not told what it was, it was obviously no minor point of contention because it had come to Paul's attention.  In other words, someone had written him about it, and he felt compelled to intervene.  How did he do that?

1.  He reminds them all of their supreme worth to Him, to Paul and to each other.  He calls the believers whom he had won to the Lord "my joy and my crown".  He calls them his "dear friends", his "brothers and sisters".  When we have disagreements, our tendency is to alienate ourselves from each other, but Paul here is admonishing his dear ones to draw closer together in conflict.  Why?

2.  The goal is to find agreement.  Doing so is impossible if one of the parties runs away in avoidance. Doing so is impossible if one of the parties will do anything it takes to "win".   In verse 2, Paul begs the two women to "agree in the Lord".  What does that mean?   It means that each of their competing opinions must be held up to the standard of the Word of God, and that the Lord must govern their agreement.  Godly agreement is based on selflessness and on truthfulness.  Selfishness, lies and deception are tools of the Devil; they never lead to godly resolutions of conflict.

3.  Sometimes, outside wisdom is needed.  There are times when dear ones are so entrenched in their own positions that they prevent themselves from seeing a solution.  In verse 3, Paul appeals to a fellow brother to help these two ladies find a way through the conflict.  These types of situations often arise because the two sides have already ignored others' wants, needs, viewpoints.  This continues into a full-blown conflict, with the two sides becoming more and more blind to the opposing side's perspective and/or resolutions to the conflict.  An intermediary is needed to help one or both sides say, "Oh, I see it (a possible solution) now!"

4.  The importance of reasonableness is mentioned in verse 5.  The word "gentleness" is translated as "graciousness", "reasonableness" in other translations.  Agreement does not mean that one side "gives up" (turtle response) or that the other side "burns it down in order to be right" (shark response).

5.  The centrality of earnest prayer to counteract anxiety and to lead to peaceful resolutions.  I'm not talking about the type of prayer that is prayed to sway opinions.  You have, like me, heard people pray in public in order to lecture people through the praying.  I believe the admonition in verse 6 is for, first, personal, private prayer, and then for one-on-one or small group prayer, in order to draw closer to God, to align our requests more closely with His will, and to thereby hear more clearly the hearts of our brothers or sisters.

6.  The importance of rejoicing in all things.  This is a separate post in and of itself, but rejoicing in conflict is not my idea of a good time.  Not.at.all.  However, when we realize that God uses all things to conform us more and more into the image of His Son, we can even embrace conflict.  Rejoicing in all things brings peace, that supernatural peace which will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

So, we must not run from conflict in our most precious relationships.

I discovered a little tool this morning you might find interesting.  It is not a perfect tool for a Christian, because it doesn't take into consideration the Word of God or the moving of the Holy Spirit in the resolving of our conflicts.  But, it is instructive to show each of us how we tend to handle conflict.  Take it for a spin and see if it describes your natural tendencies well:

http://academic.engr.arizona.edu/vjohnson/ConflictManagementQuestionnaire/ConflictManagementQuestionnaire.asp

The website makes this point, and I agree with it:  no one style is appropriate at all times. Depending on the source of disagreement each can prove to be valuable.  "Is it a mountain worth dying on?" is an appropriate question here.  Note these examples from parenting:
1.  Your child gets dressed for school and did not put the clothes together in a way you would have chosen.  The entire look is modern, but not immodest.  You resolve the conflict more in the line of the "teddy bear" response, because it is not "a mountain worth dying on".
2.  Your child gets into the car with you and does not buckle his seatbelt.  You refuse to move the car until he "buckles up": shark response.  His safety in the car IS "a mountain worth dying on".

Again, love grounded in truth is the standard.

So, there are times when it is appropriate to use one conflict resolution strategy over another.  If, though, we treat each other as our "joy and crown", our relationships can survive our conflicts and become stronger for having made it through them.

Father,  please forgive me for when I have chosen the wrong approach to resolving conflicts in my life, and give me the wisdom to choose the right approach in the inevitable conflicts which arise, so that love and truth will reign.  In Jesus' name, amen.